How to Navigate the Tinder-verse After a Breakup

Nine easy steps to hot person summer.

Photo from Unsplash.

So it’s happened. Your partner decided after watching you change career paths five times in two years that it’s probably best if you two separate — you clearly have no intention of moving 12 hours north of coastal California anyway, and it’s beginning to sound like your plans to be a forever student are little more than flimsy excuses to not have to live 30 minutes away from your future mother-in-law. Ouch. Too specific? Maybe it’s just me. Either way, you’ve called it quits, and after a month or two of crying, you wake up one day and realise that the world really is your oyster — you’ll be needing some Tabasco with that.

Since bookshop and coffee shop meet-cutes that lead to turbulent rom-com style love affairs have been on their way out for a while, the pandemic really put the finishing touch on abolishing all possibilities of running directly and literally into the love of your life, spilling the entire contents of your bag all over the ground, and having a moment of intense eye contact as your fingers gently brush theirs and an electric shock moves through your whole body. Sadly, your best chance these days of experiencing electric shocks is to take advantage of the static cling the dryer gives your favourite pair of satin pajamas. Yeah, the sexy ones that haven’t seen…