How To Find the Girl of Your Dreams on Tinder

Listen up, men.

Ares Gabriel
3 min readOct 9, 2021


Photo from Unsplash.

With cuffing season around the corner and Tinder filling up again with plenty of new profiles looking for a date to the pumpkin patch, we’ve circled back to the age-old between-relationships question of how to make the most of your matches and really find love. The good news is that romance is really just a swipe right away. The bad news is that you’ve probably been doing this all wrong. Here’s the surest way to find the girl of your dreams just as soon as possible:

  1. Use a fish photo to get her attention. (Fish must be dead.) Even better if it’s hunting season and you have a deer, or a string of ducks. Women want to know that you can hunt or fish to provide for the family during the long harsh winter ahead, and the easiest way to let her know is to make it your first profile picture.
  2. Make sure your bio is airtight. It should include information about what you want in a woman, how a woman can best keep you happy, what you do for a living, and yes, your height. If you’re stumped, don’t worry, I have an example: 6’3”. Teacher. Looking for a submissive, sexy, and kind woman to wife up. Ideal candidate will cook, clean, and love my mother as much as I do.
  3. Once you’ve matched, you should immediately ask for her Snapchat or Instagram so that you can be a gentleman and follow up with a vulgar unsolicited photo. If you don’t do this, she won’t know you’re interested, and she might move on to the next candidate! Really take your time with the photo too. The right angle and a little extra framing can really show her that you’ve put thought into this.
  4. Ask her on a date, but it shouldn’t be anywhere fancy, because that can cause undue anxiety. The best case scenario is to invite her directly to your home to watch a movie, or to just chill. This will send the vibe that you want her to be comfortable, and that you think she is chill and not too high-maintenance. If she seems unsure about whether it’s even a date, you’ve done it correctly. If, for some reason, she insists on meeting in a public place first like a coffee shop, split the tab, because feminism.
  5. Lastly, compare her to your ex-girlfriend, or better yet, to your mother. Women need something to strive for, and so keeping the comparisons flowing and making it clear that she is underachieving will keep her on her toes and give her something to work towards. This is a sure-fire way to show what a great communicator you are, and your new boo will appreciate it.

If you follow all of these tips carefully, you could just be in a new relationship before Halloween. But remember to stay as noncommittal as it’s possible to be in a relationship, and keep your dating apps active, just in case you get a little bored. After all, that fish pic on your profile is one thing the ladies really can’t resist, and if you can catch a fish as big as that one, you should have your pick of all the metaphorical fish in the sea.



Ares Gabriel

Living a life of post-bohemian heartbreak so you don’t have to. Amateur bone re-articulator, professional wit.