Five Halloween Costumes for Deeply Unhappy Couples

Ares Gabriel
2 min readOct 31, 2021
Photo from Unsplash.

Every year it’s “sexy couple’s costume” this and “cute Halloween date” that, inevitably from those cute little couples that adopted a dog together during quarantine, and do Sunday brunch at each other’s parents’ houses on an alternating basis. But what about those of us who are tired and morose, stuck in hopeless relationships that we can’t quite bear to leave but don’t really want to be stuck in either? What kind of Halloween costumes exist for the terminally miserable? You deserve cute costumes too, even if you will just be sitting at home arguing over the merits of cult horror and whether to answer the door for trick-or-treaters or binge all the mini Snickers yourselves. Here are five ideas for couples’ costumes that may bring the spice back… Or effectively end your relationship.

1.Tequila and Pedialyte

Because it’s not really about compatibility. These two things only go together when you’re in a really bad way, and some relationships are like that too. The only good news here: Pedialyte actively makes you feel better, which is more than you can say about your other half at this point.

2. Process Server and Soon-to-Be Divorcée

Who needs the phrase “trick-or-treat” when you can simply say “you’ve been served”? Bonus points if the costume is just an elaborate front for actually serving someone divorce papers.

3. Beans and Toast

In case bed death wasn’t already a worry of yours, this costume will put the last nail in the coffin of your love life. No one is getting lucky and that’s fine because the distaste is absolutely mutual. Beans on toast is potentially the least sexy pairing there is. If there was a diametric opposition to brunch, it’s this sensory nightmare.

4. Unhappy Husband and the Grad-School-Aged Nanny

Maybe this tired tv trope can breathe some life into your relationship. It never works in the sitcoms, but everybody knows that’s not real life, so maybe it will work here. It’s worth a shot?

5. The Prenuptial Agreement You Should Have Gotten and the In-Law That Most Fervently Begged You To

“But we love each other.” Honestly, tell it to the divorce attorney. On the bright side, this costume will be free, because you can just wear one of your dear mother-in-law’s old beaded sweaters that she offloaded on you in order to save a trip to the Goodwill.

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Ares Gabriel

Living a life of post-bohemian heartbreak so you don’t have to. Amateur bone re-articulator, professional wit.